A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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