I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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