Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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