Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
