So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
