I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize