Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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