totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
