im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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