The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
