your thong is hanging out like whoa
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
