Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
