You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize