Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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