OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I smell stomach acid.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
