Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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