I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize