first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
