I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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