phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
