My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
