If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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