i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
