The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
