Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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