I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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