Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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