she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
