I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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