so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
