My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
