Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
