My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
