Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
