pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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