You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
