My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
barbara walters just said penis...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
