my vag is so smooth its legendary
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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