Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
