God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
