I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize