I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
