I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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