Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
the raccoons are back...
Randomize