I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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