So drunk its hurt
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
