Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
