His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
