who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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