the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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