highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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