You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize