You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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