If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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