She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I got inside last night via doggy door
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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