She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
